It's been awhile: Here's the update.

I know its been awhile since my last post.  I fell ill, and we had a lot going on around here.  Here's the update.  Sarah is still with us, and Leah has improved slowly. 

Often, I find that Sarah feels depressed even though she takes antidepressants.  Her doctors have changed the dosage and types, but they do not seem to help her much.  I feel that she is on an emotional roller coaster: she's depressed one minute and angry the next.  I love her, but I am at a loss at how to help her through this.  Sometimes, I think that she is looking for a way out of here, and if this be the case, I wish she'd just tell us. Of course, I'd miss her and her lovely child, especially since I've grown to love her child as my own.  Oftentimes, I think she's been flirting with this guy from her past via text. He makes her smile, but so did Jacob in the beginning. I am not sure, but I think she thinks that the grass is always greener elsewhere, and regardless of where she goes or with whom she has a relationship with, she will always be unhappy because she holds on to these extreme ideals of what life is supposed to be like.  I feel concerned because she holds extremely high standards for everyone in her life, and if these people do not stand up to these standards, she wants to just dump them or punish them.

I am trying really hard to remain positive at all times, but it can be extremely difficult when we have a pessimist in our midst.  She constantly drops hints that she will leave if we don't do this or that.  I feel saddened by this because, to me, relationships take work, and if you truly love someone, you will work hard at your relationship with them.  I also know that poly relationships take even more work than monogamous ones.  Yet, it appears that she'd rather run away or stay miserable. I pray that she finds that true happiness can only be found within our own selves.

The better life rests in The Secret

It seems that things in our household have greatly improved.  I am so excited!  Hubby has come out of his depression and low libido.  Leah has imnproved in her attitude and in the time she spends with the children and the rest of us. 

We had a great Christmas with our children and with Sarah.  We also look forward to the New Year.  The New Year brings us the chance for new beginnings and a better life.

Recently, I read the book The Secret and I learned that positive energy breeds positivity while negative energy breeds negativity. What does this mean?

If we think positively, then postive things will occur more in our life than the negative.  If we encumber ourselves with negative thoughts, then negative things will occur more in our lives.  "I think therefore I am." 

It seems to be working in my life. I find myself way less depressed, and I also seem to preceive my life way differently.  It appears that a bounce has returned to my walk and a song in my heart.

I hope you live in the postive and receive joy in your life as well.

Overwhelmed

Many times, I feel very overwhelmed in this poly life.  The more people in a given relationship makes it more overwhelming because as an individual you need to make sure that you carry on a healthy relationship with each of them. It can be extremely difficult especially when one woman can be mostly absent even when present, and she can also act very witchy towards the others in the family including the children.  I find it even more difficult when another woman seems to be negative and depressed most of the time.  How can any one find any positiveness among such negativity? What makes it even worse is when the male in the family majorally stresses out and almost shuts down completely sexually and becomes highly aggressive.

Lately though, things seem to be improving around here.  I am very happy about this to say the least.

Although, I remain cautious and want to tread lightly before agreeing to bring in Sarah as a lifetime partner.  If we cannot get our crap together, we have no business bringing in another person.  This will only be detrimental to her, and I love her to much for this.

What to do when one side of a triad is in ICU?

Leah, Jacob, and I have been part of a triad for 14 years now.  Sarah is our girlfriend which all of us have a relationship with, and we are considering for a lifetime partner. If she joins us as a lifetime partner, we would be a quad. 

However, Leah and I are having deep issues. Our relationship is in the ICU/Intensive Care Unit. We have been here now for many years.  She takes medications for a few diseases. She is also on anti-depressants, and she is bi-polar as well.  I know that the stress of my ex has caused a great amout of stress to each of us.  However, she has changed drastically.  She remains constantly moody and rude even to our children.

She is rude to me on a daily basis, and if she is not rude to me, she absolutely ignores me.  She has called me vicious names when she and I have a disagreement, and I do not call names at all because I feel it is non-productive in an argument or period for that matter.  All it does is cause harm.  In the past, she has actually hit me a few times, but she has not done that in a long time because Jacob told her if she did it again she would need to move out.  However, he would still maintain in a relationship with her.  This made me very uncomfortable because in the past I came out of a very abusive relationship, and it bothers me that Jacob would retain any form of a relationship with some who has abused me.  It feels like betrayal to me, but he says he loves her and knows she is ill and needs our help.

I am at the point that I am no longer willing to put up with her constantly ignoring me or belittling me.  I am not happy in my relationship with her, but I am not willing to lose my relationship with Jacob or Sarah.  I love Leah, but my self-worth is not willing to take crap from her anymore.  If it were only up to me, I would not be with her anymore until she changed, but it is not just my decision.

I feel at a loss as what to do.  I have actally thought about ignoring her as well and not engaging in any form of conversation with her.  This upset Jacob when I told him of my plans because he feels that it would only cause more harm than good.  Why must I constantly think about her well-being at the expense of my own???  Any thoughts?

Bah Bah Black Sheep



We've heard the phrase, "I'm the black sheep in my family."  What does this statement mean? 
Black sheep, in this sense, is a metaphor.  It compares a person, who is considered to be the worthless or the disgraced member of the family, to being a black sheep, which is the odd sheep among all the white sheep. 

In 1786, the first known record of 'black sheep' in a derogatory manner found in print is from Charles Macklin's The man of the world, a comedy:

"O, ye villain! you - you - you are a black sheep; and I'll mark you."

How am I the black sheep of my extended family? My family, parents, siblings,etc..., have disowned me because I chose a polyamorous lifestyle and to love many people over that of loving only one.  My parents, who are devout Christians, believe that I am living in sin.  Living in sin makes me not worthy of their love or affection.  Of course, I could argue their point here by saying that Jesus told us to love one another, but I think it would be an exercise in futility to try to make my parents and siblings love me unconditionally.  Who needs that stress?  Definitely, not me!

Interestingly enough being the black sheep is not as bad as it is made out to be. According to a contradictory long-standing English country tradition, black sheep are considered omens of good fortune. In 1878, the Folk-Lore Record, included this piece:

"We speak figuratively of the one black sheep that is the cause of sorrow in a family; but in its reality it is regarded by the Sussex shepherd as an omen of good luck to his flock.'"

So who knows, maybe I'm actually bringing my family good fortune?  LOL! Since I was young, I've always been known to go against the flow, so why start changing that now?

Sex or the lack thereof

I know most poly people seem to be shy when talking about sex. Although, I would like to add here, that I am really not writing about sex, but I am writing about the lack thereof.  Poly seems to have the reputation from those who really have no clue about it that it is all about sex.  In reality though, it is about love, family and committment.

Over the years, our husband has gone from being very sexually active and vibrant to being exhausted, stressed, and barely sexually active. We are fortunate if each of us gets to have sex with him at least once a week and sometimes that includes group sex.  I know most of it is due to extreme stress.  The stress has also caused each of adults to gain weight, so I know the weight increase has some to do with it as well. 

Before we started courting Sarah, our sex life was fairly decent.  Leah and I would have sex with him almost three times a week each.  I was actually quite happy with this arrangement.  I warned him though that if the intimacy between each of us actually diminished too much, like only once a week or less, then I would not be willing to ask Sarah to marry us.  He assured me that it would not and that everything would be ok.

We have been seriously courting her for over a year now, but I am still holding back on asking her to marry us.  This is due to the fact that since we have been courting her that sex has diminshed to once a week or even less than that.  I love Sarah, but I am not willing to bring in another wife if our husband cannot fulfill his duty to us now. I have already shared this with Sarah, and she understands.  Of course, it also hurts her, but I felt I needed to be honest with her. 

This is not the first that he has lacked in the sex or intimacy department.  It seems that major stress greatly affects his libido.  A few years back before Sarah, we courted another woman, and when we were courting her, he acted the same.  This is beginning to make me believe that he cannot handle more than two women. He says it has nothing to do with the amount of women, but it has everything to do with stress. 

I am not sure if I should believe him.  I know he really loves each of us, including Sarah.  Leah had begun to question if she is even desirable to him anymore. I told her that it had nothing to do with her, but everything to do with him and his level of stress.  I told him he needed to speak with his doctor about anti-anxiety medication or something, but he does not think they will help.

I feel at a loss though because I am not happy with our current sex life.  Any suggestions?

Stress

I love my family.  They make me incredibly happy, but the outside stress really gets to each of us.  We've been through so much together and made it through each and every huddle.  This seems like a huge slap in the face.

In 2002, my ex got out of jail for the first time, and he went before the court to seek visitation with our children.  The judge granted him regular visitation rights because he supposedly changed while in prison because he got "saved." The prison minister even testified on his behalf as well as his counsellor. 

Needless to say, after visiting with our children for a few months, he stole them, and he left town and took on a new identity.  My family and I was terrified. They were gone for three whole years.  Eventually though, he was caught, and our children were returned to us. It was the longest three years of my life.  I often wondered if he was abusive to them.  I was horrified for them. 

The stress has caused our wife, Leah, to turn into her shell and to be extremely depressed and short with all of us.  Our husband has grown angry.  We feel like we need to walk around on egg shells around him.  This is not his norm.  I know he is angry with my ex and the legal system, but he is letting his anger out on his family by having a quick temper.  I mean he is not abusive, but he seems to get agitated more easily now.

Stress weighs heavily on me almost daily due to living a poly life.  My ex, who was in prisoned, is now free again.  Of course, he has a vendetta against me.  He's been threatening me recently about using my lifestyle choice to try to get custody of the children.  His lawyer told him that he actually had a chance. 

He is already trying to get visitation rights.  You know, I thought since he was an ex-con that it would make it extremely difficult for him to actually get visitation and especialy custody.  I've visited with my attorney regarding the matter, and he, being pro-poly, even said that he has a chance if he can prove that we are actually poly.  This is so insane.

His lawyer says since he recieved rehabilitation, anger management and counselling while he was in prison and he has since he's been out.  He's done everything the judge has asked of him, but I still do not trust him.  I am scared, and so is my family.

This constant stress with my ex over the years has caused me to need extreme counselling.  I have grown ill as well.  The doctor believes I may have an auto-immune disease called fibromyalgia, which according to my doctor is caused by constant stress and/or trauma.  I am in constant pain.  He is sending me to see a specialist.

I am not sure what to do anymore.  I am at a loss.  Any suggestions?