What to do when one side of a triad is in ICU?

Leah, Jacob, and I have been part of a triad for 14 years now.  Sarah is our girlfriend which all of us have a relationship with, and we are considering for a lifetime partner. If she joins us as a lifetime partner, we would be a quad. 

However, Leah and I are having deep issues. Our relationship is in the ICU/Intensive Care Unit. We have been here now for many years.  She takes medications for a few diseases. She is also on anti-depressants, and she is bi-polar as well.  I know that the stress of my ex has caused a great amout of stress to each of us.  However, she has changed drastically.  She remains constantly moody and rude even to our children.

She is rude to me on a daily basis, and if she is not rude to me, she absolutely ignores me.  She has called me vicious names when she and I have a disagreement, and I do not call names at all because I feel it is non-productive in an argument or period for that matter.  All it does is cause harm.  In the past, she has actually hit me a few times, but she has not done that in a long time because Jacob told her if she did it again she would need to move out.  However, he would still maintain in a relationship with her.  This made me very uncomfortable because in the past I came out of a very abusive relationship, and it bothers me that Jacob would retain any form of a relationship with some who has abused me.  It feels like betrayal to me, but he says he loves her and knows she is ill and needs our help.

I am at the point that I am no longer willing to put up with her constantly ignoring me or belittling me.  I am not happy in my relationship with her, but I am not willing to lose my relationship with Jacob or Sarah.  I love Leah, but my self-worth is not willing to take crap from her anymore.  If it were only up to me, I would not be with her anymore until she changed, but it is not just my decision.

I feel at a loss as what to do.  I have actally thought about ignoring her as well and not engaging in any form of conversation with her.  This upset Jacob when I told him of my plans because he feels that it would only cause more harm than good.  Why must I constantly think about her well-being at the expense of my own???  Any thoughts?

Stress

I love my family.  They make me incredibly happy, but the outside stress really gets to each of us.  We've been through so much together and made it through each and every huddle.  This seems like a huge slap in the face.

In 2002, my ex got out of jail for the first time, and he went before the court to seek visitation with our children.  The judge granted him regular visitation rights because he supposedly changed while in prison because he got "saved." The prison minister even testified on his behalf as well as his counsellor. 

Needless to say, after visiting with our children for a few months, he stole them, and he left town and took on a new identity.  My family and I was terrified. They were gone for three whole years.  Eventually though, he was caught, and our children were returned to us. It was the longest three years of my life.  I often wondered if he was abusive to them.  I was horrified for them. 

The stress has caused our wife, Leah, to turn into her shell and to be extremely depressed and short with all of us.  Our husband has grown angry.  We feel like we need to walk around on egg shells around him.  This is not his norm.  I know he is angry with my ex and the legal system, but he is letting his anger out on his family by having a quick temper.  I mean he is not abusive, but he seems to get agitated more easily now.

Stress weighs heavily on me almost daily due to living a poly life.  My ex, who was in prisoned, is now free again.  Of course, he has a vendetta against me.  He's been threatening me recently about using my lifestyle choice to try to get custody of the children.  His lawyer told him that he actually had a chance. 

He is already trying to get visitation rights.  You know, I thought since he was an ex-con that it would make it extremely difficult for him to actually get visitation and especialy custody.  I've visited with my attorney regarding the matter, and he, being pro-poly, even said that he has a chance if he can prove that we are actually poly.  This is so insane.

His lawyer says since he recieved rehabilitation, anger management and counselling while he was in prison and he has since he's been out.  He's done everything the judge has asked of him, but I still do not trust him.  I am scared, and so is my family.

This constant stress with my ex over the years has caused me to need extreme counselling.  I have grown ill as well.  The doctor believes I may have an auto-immune disease called fibromyalgia, which according to my doctor is caused by constant stress and/or trauma.  I am in constant pain.  He is sending me to see a specialist.

I am not sure what to do anymore.  I am at a loss.  Any suggestions?

Poly Defined

Polyamory means that a person intimately loves more than one person. 

Polygamy means that a person marries more than one partner.

Polygyny means that a man married more than one wife.

Polyandry means that a woman married more than one husband.